What's that smell?

I think each and every one of us at some point in our lives has asked themselves "what the hell is that smell?" when in the company of a future member of the Nana Corps. It's a universal funk that no one has ever been able to pinpoint. Mothballs? I don't think they even sell those anymore. A perfume they've owned since they were a teenager? Surely not. Bad hygiene due to decreased mobility? You could say that. But you could also say that most old folk have stair lifts and baths with doors in them nowadays, so I would personally call it laziness, but whatevs.

You wanna know the answer folks?

Well the tops notes consist of a lovely blend of forgetfulness, weakness, sadness, lonliness, nostalgia, ambivelence, detachment, bereavement and disappointment.

The middle notes ofcourse consist of old folks homes, hospitals, funeral homes, Goodwill, The Salvation Army and pretty much any place else that is boring as hell to be in.

And finally the base notes, which reek of slowly decaying flesh. And pee. And a bit of poop. Basically, they smell like death.

But y'know what the scariest thing is? Some scientists in America have proved that old woman smell actually puts you in a good mood*. So when you're least expecting it, they strike like the geriatric ninja assassins that they are.

*BBC News (1999) ' Elderly Armpits Can Lift Your Spirits', Available: http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/382167.stm

The Four Horsegrannies of the Nanapocalypse

We all know the world's going to end in 2012, right? Wrong. That movie was awful. And besides, while you guys are all busy worrying about earthquakes and helicopters falling from the sky, you're leaving yourself prey to the biggest threat of them all; the old people.

Nanageddon.

Those crazy old bitches will knit your flesh into a onesie quicker than you can say Mayan Prophesy. They'll trip you with their ninja dentures and suffocate you with the Slobbery Kiss of Death before beating you to a bloody pulp with their walking sticks. And there you were thinking that they were all crippled and senile. Pfft. You wish.

The old folks have been planning their uprising since they got their bus passes. You thought your gran died of cancer? Sorry folks, she enlisted into the Nana Corps and got sent for training. You'll see her again, but unfortunately she'll probably be packing more ammo than biscuits. And she's pissed that you "inherited" her crochet needles.

So, you want proof? Just take a look at those nursing homes. All those old biddies locked up in one place, being force fed tepid soup and lukewarm tea by some cheap tart who doesn't even know who Bobby Vee is. They fought in the war, y'know. Now they're getting sponge baths from pretty-boys. They, and their culture, demand a bit more respect. And if they don't start getting it soon they're gonna get all WWII on our asses, old skool.

Funatiq (2008) 'Amazingly Funny War Pictures', Available: http://www.funatiq.com/strange-but-hilarious/amazingly-funny-war-pictures/

Trust me.