Wednesday, 13 October 2010

Recon Mission Success: Nana's Got a Brand New Bag

After sending one of Nanageddon Now's best reconnaissance fighters on a highly dangerous mission, we have managed to obtain top secret footage of one of the OAP's best tacticians. In this video, we witness the elderly woman (known only to us as 'Raving Granny') befriend a group of youths and gain their respect and, most importantly, their trust. This has left an entire platoon's worth of future Nanageddon Now recruits open and very, very vulnerable. Luckily for them, she was not armed and there were no casualties.

This woman cannot be trusted. Therefore, the NNHQ has requested this video be shared online and serve as a warning to all those who will listen. Raving Granny must be stopped. If you see this woman, or any woman who acts in a similar fashion, in a rave you are attending - please, do not hesitate to contact the NNHQ who will take care of the situation.

Thank you for your co-operation. Please refer to the video link below:

Friday, 1 October 2010

What's that smell?

I think each and every one of us at some point in our lives has asked themselves "what the hell is that smell?" when in the company of a future member of the Nana Corps. It's a universal funk that no one has ever been able to pinpoint. Mothballs? I don't think they even sell those anymore. A perfume they've owned since they were a teenager? Surely not. Bad hygiene due to decreased mobility? You could say that. But you could also say that most old folk have stair lifts and baths with doors in them nowadays, so I would personally call it laziness, but whatevs.

You wanna know the answer folks?

Well the tops notes consist of a lovely blend of forgetfulness, weakness, sadness, lonliness, nostalgia, ambivelence, detachment, bereavement and disappointment.

The middle notes ofcourse consist of old folks homes, hospitals, funeral homes, Goodwill, The Salvation Army and pretty much any place else that is boring as hell to be in.

And finally the base notes, which reek of slowly decaying flesh. And pee. And a bit of poop. Basically, they smell like death.

But y'know what the scariest thing is? Some scientists in America have proved that old woman smell actually puts you in a good mood*. So when you're least expecting it, they strike like the geriatric ninja assassins that they are.

*BBC News (1999) ' Elderly Armpits Can Lift Your Spirits', Available:

OAPS: Bad to the bone

Anti-Social Behaviour Orders are normally handed out to 'hoodies' and 'yobs' rather than your granny, but lo and behold, the rebellious nans of today are happy-slapping and causing a scene just like us young'uns. Let's take a look at some of the ASBO OAPs:

Billy Reid, 72 years old
Monroe (2008) 'Council Serves ASBO on Lisburn Pensioner', Available:
Billy Reid was given a two-year ASBO in 2008 to prevent him from feeding bread to pigeons.

Frederick Amery, 75 years old
Metro (2010) '75-year-old ASBO OAP Frederick Amery jailed for village fete attack', Available:
Amery, who was once the oldest man with an ASBO, has had 21 convictions for violent behaviour in the past six years. Some of his offences include stealing fruit from a deli, slapping a vendor at a fete and peeing against a fridge in his local Co-op.

Dorothy Evans, 82 years old
Smith (2007) 'Dorothy the Witch', Available:, picture taken from BBC News (2008) 'ASBO OAP's digging caught on film', Available:
Dorothy Evans, the "original neighbor from Hell", abused the Casa family for 10 years before being jailed in 2007. Evans claims she suffers from deep vein thrombosis and struggles to walk even with the aid of two walking sticks, but Cardiff Crown Court have CCTV footage of her climbing over a wall and digging a hole between her and her neighbors gardens. In the past, she has called Mrs Casa a prostitute, hit her with her walking stick and also attempted to run her off the road. She once mooned the family and told them she was a witch who would kill their dog and put a curse on them. She has even put a picture of the Casa home in her window with the word 'scum' written on it.

Clearly Nanageddon is more than just a paranoid delusion of mine, but also a paranoid delusion of the state too. Awesome. And not only are there ASBO OAPs, but also happy-slapping grannies too! Here's some classics from the 'Tube:

Old People Like War

So it turns out that you're not allowed to serve in the armed forces if you are older than 42 years of age. That ain't that old really. And some old people aren't happy about this. Old people like war, evidently. They've been in so many that not fighting in this one kinda feels like not being invited to your best mates party. One trigger-happy pensioner even took to the internet (or, presumably, made his grandson take to the internet) to share his disgust. And inadvertently list all the ways they can beat our asses at war. Enjoy:

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds.. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a..m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, 'I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch'.

If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys.. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns.. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet..

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way..

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.
- Clarke (2009) 'Baby Boomers... Draft for the Over 60 Crowd?', Available:

Yep. They're pretty shit-hot when it comes to war. But we still pwn at CoD:MW :-)

The Four Horsegrannies of the Nanapocalypse

We all know the world's going to end in 2012, right? Wrong. That movie was awful. And besides, while you guys are all busy worrying about earthquakes and helicopters falling from the sky, you're leaving yourself prey to the biggest threat of them all; the old people.


Those crazy old bitches will knit your flesh into a onesie quicker than you can say Mayan Prophesy. They'll trip you with their ninja dentures and suffocate you with the Slobbery Kiss of Death before beating you to a bloody pulp with their walking sticks. And there you were thinking that they were all crippled and senile. Pfft. You wish.

The old folks have been planning their uprising since they got their bus passes. You thought your gran died of cancer? Sorry folks, she enlisted into the Nana Corps and got sent for training. You'll see her again, but unfortunately she'll probably be packing more ammo than biscuits. And she's pissed that you "inherited" her crochet needles.

So, you want proof? Just take a look at those nursing homes. All those old biddies locked up in one place, being force fed tepid soup and lukewarm tea by some cheap tart who doesn't even know who Bobby Vee is. They fought in the war, y'know. Now they're getting sponge baths from pretty-boys. They, and their culture, demand a bit more respect. And if they don't start getting it soon they're gonna get all WWII on our asses, old skool.

Funatiq (2008) 'Amazingly Funny War Pictures', Available:
Trust me.